Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Under my umbrella...ella...ella...ella..a.a.a

It’s raining. Not like a Portland rain. It is hurricane rain. And for those of you that have grown up in Portland all your lives, you know that we don’t carry or use umbrellas. And for those of you that have never been to Portland, you now know that we don’t carry or use umbrellas. EVER. Why you might ask? Let’s list the reasons:

1. They are a huge hassle
2. Once they are opened and get wet they never dry
3. There is no place to put a wet and dripping umbrella
4. They blow out–heavy winds yank and pull in all directions until the umbrella is totally mangled and inside out
5. While holding your wet, broken, inside out umbrella, the wind manages to blow the rain at you from all sides–the umbrella does nothing to keep you dry
6. If you have a good jacket with a hood, why would you need to use an umbrella?
7. When carrying an open umbrella, you are liable to loose an eye or poke someone’s eye out–this is both unfortunate, and preventable
8. There is not enough room for both umbrellas and people on the street–it is one or the other
9. The majority of Americans out there leave the house and grab the “soccer game” umbrella by mistake (which for those of you that never spent countless weekends on the sidelines as a child in the pouring rain, a soccer umbrella is about the size of a small tent you can buy at REI and can keep an entire team of fifth graders dry)
10. If you are in a hurry, chances are your umbrella will get stuck right when you need to close it and you will be left in the pouring rain trying to close it and all the metal rods will bend and point in the wrong direction–your umbrella will never close–and everyone will pity you as they walk by

With this in mind I now live in NYC and am surrounded by umbrellas. Why is this? Well, at first I thought (surely) the fur. You don’t want to be wearing a wet bear when you strut up and down Fifth Ave. But it is late September and it is still too warm to leave your Upper East Side apartment wearing a bear–so that is not the reason. Second, I thought (surely) it is the cashmere. Wet cashmere is the worst. But it is (still) late September and too warm (and humid) for cashmere. All I could come up with is that it is (still) late September and still too warm for a coat, and so an umbrella is the only thing that New Yorkers seem to think will keep them dry and cool at the same time. But this is false.

I tried it out myself. I decided to (Portland peeps–don’t judge) buy an umbrella and see what this umbrella business is all about. And I will tell you, not only did it not keep me dry, it blew inside out, and broke. It didn’t match my outfit–therefore carrying an umbrella is not part of a fashion statement. It was too small to share–therefore it is not a way to make quick friends on a street corner. There was no place to put it after it got wet–instead it dripped all over everyone on the subway. And in the end I just threw it away. Worst $5.00 I ever spent. The forecast for the rest of the week calls for rain–and so I urge all of you to save your $5.00 for a pumpkin spice latte and leave your umbrellas at home.

This cup is for Katie–who left her umbrella at home on the rainiest day so far…

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